Journal Insincerity

  Permit me to bitch for a bit, please. I don't usually complain, at least not straight to people. Over a blog or in a journal is different, though, because it's not as though you're expecting a sympathetic friend to give an understanding nod, even if they're secretly tired of your bullshit. Yeah, real people see this, but it's not like I'm making you sit and read it; if you're interested you keep scrolling, if not, you can just keep clicking through other blogs. Of course I know that everything you put on the internet is there forever for the whole world to see, but really, I'm not going to post anything harsh about someone with their actual name and such. Hm, I guess the real point of this project must be revealed: as stated earlier somewhere on here, I love to write, and one of my goals is to land an agent by the end of my high school career. The only way I'm going to do that is if I put together a bitching portfolio. I have a wattpad (groans with embarrassment but has to admit acutally enjoying the site) and I have some other stuff, but I figured that wouldn't be enough, and so I came up with the idea to start another blog.
   You gasp!
   "Another?! Where is this glorious first blog?!" you ask in excitement.
   There is no fucking way I am sharing that with you. I ended up deleting it because I realized my mother had access to it, and while she hadn't known she had access to it, or even that it existed, I couldn't run the risk. It was super personal about my struggles with bulimia. It was really sad and when I look back on it I ache for that girl who felt so alone. I am a completely different person than I was when I was her age, and it just makes the hurt so much more pronounced. That girl still exists somewhere, and I feel like I just hid her away and have decided to ignore her for the sake of my well being and the well being of those around me. But she didn't have to be pushed away. And the fact that she's still there to me scares me a little because who knows she won't try to come back? The fact that she is so different but still very much a part of me scares me a great deal. I need therapy. That girl needs to become happy and morph into my personality or some hippy shit.
   Anyway, back to the topic at hand:
   My final point is that even though this is for work purposes, this is still the one and only Teen Angst Blog. I knew I wanted to do a blog, and I thought about what I could do. Could I still cover the topic of bulimia? Yeah, it's super relevant today and would probably draw a bigger crowd from the get go, but the thing is, I don't think I need this blog to be famous to be impressive. Yeah, I could cover bulimia, but I'm in recovery and I don't think I could do it justice at this point. I had that relapse last week that was on-and-off for about a month, but I don't think that counts (of course it does from a doctor-patient-y standpoint or whatever but not storywise) because altogether I'm doing pretty well right now. In regards to the eating disorder. I'm making good progress, and I feel that the most tumultuous period of my life concerning my mental state, where I could have given the best insights and captured some hearts, is ultimately over. Which isn't a bad thing at all. It just means that I have to find a new topic to write about and new things to document.
   So I thought about it and thought about it and eventually came up with this. Being a teenager sucks, and when you grow up a 90s stereotype in the age of dubstep and internet porn, why wouldn't you want to write everything down. That being said, I do keep a journal, but that's more for really, really personal matters. I mean, I'm pretty much an open book, but like I said, once you put something on the internet it's there and anybody can see it. I don't need anyone prying into my purest thoughts and opinions. This is more for general stuff. And it's to hopefully help some people out there who feel the same way I do about certain things, and who may have some similar problems or something. The motive behind this may be to get an agent, but the real goal is to provoke and hopefully inspire.