Nature vs. Nurture

   It was my brother's twenty-third birthday last week, and since everybody had work and such that night, we celebrated yesterday (Sunday). For some strange reason he has this fascination with my hair, and he'll pull on it and/or just touch it. So I was sitting next to him at the dinner table and he put his arm around me. Going to be honest here, that actually made me really happy. We used to be super close and then something happened and we grew apart, but now we're finally getting to that super closeness again. But then he put his hand on the top of my head and just started scratching it for a solid thirty seconds. We're weird with our expressions of affection.

   I was thinking about this, and I came across the realization that my brothers can toss me around like a hot potato, but as soon as my mother reaches out to fix my collar or rub my back or something, I freak out. It's a squirmy uncomfortable feeling whenever she tries to touch me. I'd always been like that for as long as I can remember, until I really sat down and thought about it. I used to climb all over my mother when I was a small child. Then I have this memory where I guess I made her mad or something, and she slapped me. Ever since then I don't have any recollection of cuddling with her or holding her hand. I was about five or six years old.

   That really clarified things for me. It takes a lot to break that trust in me, but that one instant was probably the biggest disappointment I've ever had in any of my family members. I thought she was perfect, and that she was capable of ever hurting me kind of ruined my image of mothers. I talk to her a lot, and if you were to ask her, she'd most likely tell you that we have an excellent relationship, but just because I talk to her a lot doesn't mean that I ever tell her anything about myself. As a result, she has no idea of who I am as a person. Every time I try to ask her for some kind of help, she becomes angry and defensive and gives the impression that she's aiming to hurt my feelings. 

   I'll never understand that. I never want to hurt anybody's feelings. The only negative reaction you could provoke from me is one that stems from my strong desire to be left alone. In that case, I'll be mean, but if I care about you, I know how to apologize. In all of my seventeen years as her daughter, I have never heard that woman tell me she was sorry for anything. I'm just so sick of this place. Every time she sees me upset over something she immediately leaps to the offensive and makes a big deal out of trying to get me to understand that whatever happened wasn't her fault. I've recently started responding with, "Did I say I blamed you for this? I'm allowed to be upset."

   It kills me having to be around her, because she is one of the most two-faced people I have ever met. If I'm sad then she transforms into the world's most loving mother, but as soon as I tell her why, I transform into the world's shittiest daughter. I don't know what to do. I just really don't want to be here anymore.