Misplaced Teenage Apathy

   I don't buy into the whole discovering-your-sexual-orientation-at-a-really-young-age thing. Yeah, sure, if you like a specific gender, then you like that specific gender, and I'm not going to fight you on that. You can love whomever you want to love. I just think that if you're a teenager or child or young adult really super young person, spend this time exploring your preferences and such, and avoid labels like the plague. Labels are a dangerous, permanent thing that can be detrimental to your growth as a person. Of course you can always turn around and say, "That's not me anymore, I've changed." But the people in your life are always going to have those memories.

   Ok, that being said, I am going to share something that frightens me. I am afraid that I am moving closer and closer to the definition of someone who is asexual. I just-- none of that interests me. I mean, obviously I think about sex and dating all of the time, but only when I'm imagining it's me and some attractive celebrity in some impossible situation. But that's because it's safe. I'm alone inside my head and I never have to worry about being in that situation because the celebrity is dating someone, or is married, or gay, or another reason. But when I look at it realistically and try to imagine that actually happening in a realistic setting, I just get so grossed out. It makes absolutely no sense to me. I don't want to date anyone. I don't want to touch anyone that way.

   Now, if you're asexual and you're happy with that, then good for you. This realization about myself scares me because I want to have a family more than anything else in the world. I want a lot of children. And I want a husband! But do I really want a husband? God, I hope so. I just want to end up rich with a big, beautiful family. 

   Well, maybe that's not all I want out of life, but I guess it all comes back to the primal human need for company. I don't want to be alone.

   It's just so shitty because I really don't want anything to do with any of the boys around me. I don't want anything to do with any of the male population around me. I really don't care for men. Or women. Or people in general. I see these bizarre exhibitions of the mating ritual occuring all around me and it is so off-putting. Is that just me...?